Testimony

Something I’ve always struggled with is, I guess, fitting in or feeling like people really knew me. From battling loneliness and the need to stand out, to fostering negative self-image, I tended to feel utterly forgettable and yet out of place from people, even friends and family. I’ve always been a little insecure, over-analyzing my relationships to make sure I was doing everything right. Constantly thinking this way left me tired and unfulfilled.

There was never a time when Jesus wasn’t in my life. I grew up in a solid Christian community. Of course my relationship with him hasn’t always been the same, though. Sure, I followed the rules. No one really saw what I struggled with. My friends, for the most part, have also been Christians, and I’ve always been a church goer. I never partook in things that were obviously not “Christian” as far as the world was concerned. I understood what forgiveness was and that I was promised eternal life. There was something missing, though. And I could feel it. An emptiness. A loneliness.

Because of my family, friends, and church community, I started to understand that this incomplete religion wasn’t what Jesus wanted for me. He wanted a passionate friendship. He wanted to fill every empty space in my life. He didn’t want me to be lonely anymore or depend on the affection of the people around me to make me complete. When I finally understood how devoted Jesus was to me and in return how devoted I wanted to be to him, my walk with the Lord became so much deeper. I understood what everyone was talking about, the love that could conquer all and the beautiful friendship God wanted with each of us.

He loves me, and He made me special, so I don't have to prove my unique value by being the smartest or coolest. And He wants to be in perfect community with me for all of eternity. I'm never alone.

Though hating myself seemed like humility, I've since realized it was pride. Through a closer relationship with Christ, my point of view has shifted. I'm no longer staring at myself in an unforgiving light. I'm looking toward God. By looking away from myself, my understanding of who I am and where I fit in has grown. God showed me where I’ll always belong.

To be honest, this transformation wasn’t some instant fix or easy cure. It’s a constant uphill battle. I continually struggle with these things, but my foundation never fails. I no longer have to find my worth on a scale or in the opinion of those around me. I’m not a slave to the opinions of the world. I know who I am because of Jesus, and that has set me free.

Me As A Bacteria

Have you ever just sat down and thought about pride?

Like we're infected with it, each one of us. It happens so early we don't even see it coming. And then our pride makes way for destruction, pain, hate, shame, and loneliness. Pride doesn't love. It doesn't act selflessly or sacrificially. Humans are just so prideful. It's the underlying cause of so much sin, anger, and grief. Pride says I've got this. It says I deserve this, I earned this. Pride takes no orders. It gives no mercy and accepts no redemption. It creates a crack in the wall for vanity and prejudice. Pride's too good to serve or address wrong.

But then think about God. God is, well.. God. Wow. He's so above us. He made us.  HE CREATES LIFE. He is. He was. He is to come. He will always be. He has always been. He is at the beginning and the end. Nothing is above him or before him. He is omnipotent. He is all good. He knows everything. He is perfect, merciful, and yet completely righteous. He is absolute. God is beauty, goodness, love.

We stumble about blindly looking for anything to fill in our holes, looking for any answer that makes it okay. We can't control ourselves. We live in a broken world, driven by flesh. We destroy. We murder and steal. We hate and we lie. We deny mercy to others though we beg for it ourselves.

HOW HUMBLE IS GOD? I mean look at the magnitude of Him. To see Him face to face is to die. He is beyond our realm of understanding. Yet He became human. GOD became HUMAN. Can you imagine? We who take pride in ourselves by inflating our egos, but bringing others down find perfect humility impossible to reach. Yet this God who sees forever became a person. Better yet, he became an infant and before that, a fetus in the womb of a woman He himself created. He ALLOWED Mary to give a human birth to Him. He was born among animals because even at His birth He was rejected. He grew up as a carpenter's son. He had nothing material. He was no king, master, landowner, or any other position giving authority or demanding respect. He did not boast of His excellence. He became the least among us. He preached to the poor and ate with the sinful. Those who are the lowest of low- the cheaters, the sick, the poor, the vain, the hateful, the immoral- these were His friends. He healed them, blessed them, and taught them. He gave them hope. And then He allowed Himself to be murdered by His own creation. He gave every last bit of Himself at the hands of those whom he would save. But he didn't even die a great warrior or some other honorable death. He died a criminal. Accused by His own people and sentenced to die next to thieves as their equal. Mocked and scoffed at like scum. Beat and tortured in great displays of power over Him, He allowed Himself to be humiliated by those who owed Him their every breath.

Can you even imagine? How great is God's wonderous humility. And His love that all this was just for me. To win me. To pay my debt.

It's like me becoming a bacteria.

It's always been You.

So you can call this sort of life a hopeless endeavor,
that this tiny vessel could ever endure such violent weather.
Call it pointless.
I’ll continue to carry out Grace nonetheless.
I will scream it till my face is blue.
There is a point to all of this, and it's always been You.

                       - Being as an Ocean, by Dear G-d




Hey. So haven't been on here for, like, pretty much ever. My life has been twisted and turned inside out and upside down so I thought this was a good time to start back up.


Have you ever been like welp here's my mission in life. Here's the little box God wants for me. Here's what I'm good for and my purpose in life. Here's what I'm going to put 100% of my energy into because I think it's what God wants from me. Have you ever felt like that? It feels pretty settled. It feels good to know what to do and to think as long as I do this God will be satisfied with my performance. As long as I pursue this career that I think he wants from me then I can rest assured that I'm doing this Christianity thing right.

Have you ever felt like this and then lost everything? Have you just failed and had no clue where to go from there? Have you completely blown it and rethought everything you've ever thought you knew about God's plan for you? Have you broken everything you've been working for and thought God couldn't possibly have expected this for me? He couldn't possibly have foreseen these road blocks. He couldn't possibly redeem my inadequacies. That's it. I'm done for. I've failed God's vision for me. He trusted me with this, and I couldn't even do it. What good am I? Without this thing, I have nothing to offer.

Because that's how I feel.


And I want you to know- or more accurately I want to remind myself- that these are lies. Satan's lies. This is basically a load of crap that we force feed ourselves.


Hi. My name's Moriah, and I am imperfect. Actually, I'll go one step further. I am deeply flawed, and my screw ups don't just set me back. They hurt the people around me. They cost thousands of dollars, and sometimes my life already seems over.


Hi. My savior is perfect. He was put to death by the people he came to save. Every ounce of His blood brought me back from the dead and gave me a new life. With this life I am BLAMELESS before He who made me. I am beautiful and loved. Nothing can ever separate me from this love. He knew I was gonna mess up, and yet, He died for me, rose for me, and prepared for me a future of prosperity on earth and a home for eternity.


Everything else is put into perspective when you think about it that way.

Weighed Down By Religion

Sometimes the weight on my shoulders looks a lot like religion. Routine, expectation, and duty. Finding my "place". Checking off the list. Read this. Sing that. Go here. Repeat. God wants our praise. He wants obedience. He asks of us time, energy, a relationship, knowledge of his Word, a good fight, relationships with other Christians, dedication, persistence, perfection, trust, good spirit. There's always something I need to work on. If I could just get this part right, I'd be okay.

But I keep forgetting that God doesn't need us. Our praise doesn't make Him any more worthy. Obeying him doesn't make him stronger. He doesn't need our trust to control the world around us. He doesn't need your opinions or concerns to know what's best. He doesn't need the church to claim victory. Our acceptance doesn't change the cross.

When God is more than an obligation, everything changes. If our words don't change God, if our praise doesn't touch his brilliance, if he doesn't depend on us, what is it for? We go to church and we sing a song as one body. It's not changing God, it's changing us. We remember what he's done and who he is. We invite him in and surrender our hearts as we lift up our hands. We feel his joy as we dance and shout. We're lifted up by one another. The world sees our love on display. I pray and I know God's faithfulness. I feel his presence drawing me in. I taste heaven and long for the hereafter. I give and I get back more. I love and it molds me into a new creature, out of the mud, bathed in light, open and empathetic.

Take off the weight, the burden of religion. You won't find your worth there. You can't prove yourself, repay a debt, earn love or eternal rewards. You can't lengthen your life. God doesn't depend on your tithe. He's not held down by your imperfections. He doesn't need your help. He just wants you.

Maybe It's Just Me..

.. but every time I watch a beloved character's last scenes- whether they die, get stuck on a parallel universe, regenerate into a giraffe, whatever- I immediately want to go back to the first time we meet them. I need to be at the beginning again, at the start of the adventure. To pretend like their story's not over. Because it can't be. The Doctor can't just never see Rose again. The Pevensies can't leave Narnia forever.. This is why I end up rewatching/rereading the same stuff over and over again. There's nothing sadder to me than letting their story end. I should really find a healthier hobby.

God Has Made Everything Beautiful In Its Own Time.

So today I had a meeting with my academic adviser for pre-journalism. I was a little nervous about it since I've been so up in the air about whether switching to journalism from pharmacy was a good idea. I've been stressing pretty hard over what my future will look like and if I was just being a total failure by "taking the easy way out" as a couple people have pointed out. But I really needed to see her about my schedule and becoming an actual journalism major, so I go in a little early, and she starts reading my personal statement, which is a requirement to becoming a journalism major. It's pretty much me on a page: strengths and weaknesses, plans for the future, where I'm coming from, and events that have changed my life. Almost done with the first page, she says "You're a really good writer." Being the mouse that I am (seriously, I've been called mouse since I was like five), I thanked her quietly, looking down at my lap. Further into the paper she looked up at me and commented on my writing once more. "Seriously, you're a much better writer than any pharmacist I know. I really think you're making the right choice." It probably wouldn't have looked very professional, but I just about started crying then and there. It was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't know how my adviser knew exactly what I needed to hear to keep going, but I think Jesus knew I needed some reassurance that I was walking in the right direction. Just wanted to PTL a little bit :)

Watch Out For My Summer

This summer, (psst.. summer break starts in 59 days) I'll be spending 8 weeks in Santa Monica, California for a Summer Project. To get there, however, it's going to take some major support raising. I need to be raising roughly $1,000 dollars each month for the next three months. If you're anything like me, this sounds terrifying. But while feeling defeated right off the bat at the very short list of potential ministry partners, God provided a promise. When we face mountains, God moves.